This Runner's Trials
13Jun/1424

Two months in (the second time)

Posted by runnerstrials

Hadley is two months old today! She is still such a good baby (thank you God), and I am so happy to be her mom. If you smile at her, she’ll smile back at you – at any time! It doesn’t matter if it’s 4 a.m. or if she’s mid-cry, she’ll crack a smile if you look at her. This girl loves attention.

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Recovery

I’m feeling really good and more like my former, non-pregnant self every day. The only time I remember I “just” (how much longer can I use that qualifier?) had a baby is when I’m exercising and I feel some looser body parts jiggle. More on exercise and weight loss in my next post, though.

I had my 6-week checkup a couple of weeks ago, and I’m all healed. I was relieved to hear this because after Wyatt, I wasn’t cleared for all activities until 10 weeks because I tore so badly.

The best news ever in the recovery department is that the swelling is gone! I’m so happy. It took 7 full weeks postpartum, but I can finally wear my wedding rings for the first time since January.

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Sleep deprivation

I feel like a jerk admitting this, but I’m not sleep deprived from Hadley (if this was someone else’s 2.5 year update, he’d be  getting blamed for the sleep deprivation. But that’s another story…). I was more sleep deprived during pregnancy from insomnia than I am now. Hadley sleeps 7-8 hours overnight (I know, you can hate me), and when she wakes up it’s just to eat for 10 minutes and she goes right back down for another couple of hours. It’s amazing.

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Happy, well-rested baby.

I know I have zero room to complain, but I still feel worn out at the end of each day. I think this is just a side effect of being a mom, though, and I don’t expect to feel better any time soon. Hadley is not a good napper unless she’s being held (not a complaint, just a fact. I’ll take an overnight sleeper over a napper any day.), so I’m always with one of my kiddos all day long. Which is draining, and the reason I have no problem working out first thing in the morning – I need some “me” time!

This week I’ve been working on trying to get Hadley to nap in her crib in the afternoons, and we’re trying to put her to bed earlier at night too (right now she doesn’t go down until 9:30ish). So, once I can get her to nap not one me or go to bed before me, I’ll probably feel a lot better because I’ll get a break.

Breastfeeding

Nursing continues to be a rollercoaster. I shared about the hole in my nipple during my one month update. At my 6-week postpartum checkup, I was still in a lot of pain so I asked my midwife what to do. She told me the only way it’d probably heal was if I stopped breastfeeding. I spent the next week really debating what to do. I nursed Wyatt for 20 months and assumed I’d nurse Hadley long, too, but I really couldn’t deal with the pain anymore.

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Stopping breastfeeding is such a tough, emotional decision. I know all of the benefits of breastfeeding and felt an incredible bond when I nursed Wyatt. But with Hadley, nursing has always been a source of pain and frustration. And honestly, I feel like I don’t need nursing to bond with her because she’s such a happy baby. With Wyatt, the only time he was content was when he was on my boob, so it was a different situation.

Every time I nursed her, I felt like I was having an internal battle with myself. Keep nursing -- she’s a chunk so something is working. The pain isn’t worth it -- why put yourself through breastfeeding when there’s an alternative? But I have a great supply – even enough to pump and give Wyatt, and his immune system can use a boost. Ahhh but the pain. Ahhh but formula is expensive.

Then last Monday, I woke up and my boob didn’t hurt – and it hasn’t since (the hole healed as an open wound – it’s so lovely). But Hadley still hates that side because she got a blister on her lip from the hole, and will only nurse if I’m holding her like a football – which is getting hard to do because she’s almost 13 lbs.

So, I’m still exclusively breastfeeding but our nursing struggles aren’t over. This whole ordeal has made me look at breastfeeding in a different light. I always knew breast isn’t best for everyone. But now I see that the pro-breastfeeding messaging is just making moms who supplement or formula-feed feel bad. It’s really awful actually. And I know I’ve unintentionally contributed to this with things I’ve said in the past, so I feel like a bum.

Anyway, has anyone ever kept their supply in only one boob? Is that even possible? It’s something I’m considering if Hadley keeps refusing that side – pumping from that side several times a day is not an option.

Being a mom of two

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Wyatt is great with Hadley. He says the cutest things like “it’s OK baby sister – no tears!” and “be patient Hadley, mommy is changing me first and then will change you.” He tries to help me out with her and loves when he can grab a new diaper, put her swing music on, or “watch” her for me while I go into another room for a minute. He’s such a sweet boy and I love him so much.

However, he’s 2.5 and he drives me crazy a lot of days. I swear, on his worst days Hadley wants to be held constantly – it’s like they’re already ganging up on me! So, we definitely have some tough moments. But we have some great days, too, so I can’t complain too much. At two months in, things are going better than expected.

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I love you so much, baby girl!

2Jun/1427

7 weeks (this time)

Posted by runnerstrials

My girl turned 7 weeks old yesterday!

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(Insert typical mom “where has the time gone?” remark.)

Seven weeks is a big milestone in our household. It’s when we realized Wyatt’s behavior wasn’t a typical. He’d already gotten the reflux and colic diagnoses, but 7 weeks is when his sleeping tanked and he started waking up every hour.

I wrote this post the day Wyatt turned 7 weeks old, and I just tried to re-read it but I couldn’t make it through. My heart started racing, my palms got sweaty, and I felt pins and needles all over. I love my son more than anything, but I’m not quite ready to re-live those moments from his infancy.

I know I said I wouldn’t compare my babies, but a lot* of people have asked if Hadley is a better sleeper than Wyatt. Overnight, she is the polar opposite of her brother (THANK GOD). I’m embarrassed to admit how long she sleeps at night because 90% of you will hate me. (She’ll only nap on me during the day so that makes it even, right? No. Not at all.)

A (teeny tiny) part of me is grateful for everything we went through with Wyatt. It made me a more patient and understanding person, and perhaps the rough initiation to motherhood is exactly what my overly type A self needed. Plus, I’m glad that I had Wyatt first. If Hadley was the oldest, I would have thought her sleeping habits and overall demeanor were normal.

I would have thought all babies slept most of the night. I would have thought “fussy” = general evening crankiness accompanied by maybe 20 minutes of all out screaming. I would have thought a couple bouts of spit up in a day were “a lot”, and assumed all babies were able to stay in the same outfit all day long. I would have thought babies could chill in bouncy seats and swings for a bit without pterodactyl screeching so moms could get some things around the house done.

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I would have thought wrong. I know that all babies are not anywhere near this easy. So, you better believe that I count my lucky stars every day that Hadley is. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, but we’re at 7 weeks now. I don’t want to jinx it, but I’m starting to think that maybe she really is this good.

I stumbled upon an article again last week that I first read two years ago: Why it’s Not “Just” Colic or Fussiness. It's so good that I just had to share it again. It’s one of the only pieces that accurately illustrates what it’s like to have a high-need baby. I wholeheartedly agree with all of the points the author makes.

The piece reignited a lot of old feelings and brought back some memories. I’m so thankful that the high-need experience is (hopefully) in the past for my family. It’s crazy to think that my ridiculously happy toddler is the same kid who wouldn’t crack a smile for days on end when he was an infant.

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He’s kind of a happy kid now.

Even if Hadley decides sleeping and smiling aren’t fun anymore, I’ll take heart in knowing that it’s “just” a (very long and extremely difficult) phase. But for now, I’m so happy that my little girl is so happy – and well-rested!

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And I’m thankful that her big brother loves her. He covered her and started reading to her!

So, that’s where we are at 7 weeks. We definitely have some difficult moments, but overall Hadley is so sweet. She almost makes me want to have another baby. Almost

*blogger speak for 2+ people.

2May/1421

Newborn daze

Posted by runnerstrials

When I was pregnant with Wyatt, I got really into reading mommy blogs. I remember reading post after post that made the newborn phase look like a breeze. And then I had my son, and I learned the newborn days were anything but easy.

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She makes it look easy, though!

So far, my daughter is a much easier baby than my son was (knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood...). I love my kids so, so, so much. But I’m still not a huge fan of the newborn period.

Because it’s hard. So hard. Sleeping in 1- 2 hour (if I’m lucky) spurts isn’t easy. Not knowing why your baby is crying isn’t easy. Bloody nipples aren’t easy (I promise to share more about our breastfeeding struggles soon – Hadley is doing amazing and eats like a champ, but my boobs are having a difficult time adjusting to nursing this time around.)

None of it is easy at all. But it’s all 100% worth it. And, thankfully, it’s only temporary.

The best part of being a second-time mom? I know that one day she will sleep. And one day she’ll be able to tell me what’s bothering her, and one day I’ll really miss breastfeeding. Until then, thank God for coffee, a patient big brother, and newborn snuggles.

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Ok, cuddling a newborn is easy.