This Runner's Trials
9Sep/1115

My pregnancy confessions

Pregnancy is weird. If you read any other pregnancy blogs (which you should), you'll also see that every pregnancy is so unique. In my experience, gestating a tiny human has been quite different than I expected.

It's also made me have some feelings I totally didn't see coming…

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These are my (pregnancy) confessions:

1. I don't miss distance running. Gasp! I haven't trained for a race in close to 9 months. This may be my longest hiatus from not "seriously" competing since… middle school? I thought life without my Saturday long runs, Wednesday tempo runs, and spanking new Brooks Adrenalines every 3 months would leave me me feeling empty, worthless, and jealous of my triathlon-training husband. But I'm not. I assumed I'd have my 2012 training and racing schedule all lined up by now. Yet I don't.

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While I'm definitely eyeing races next year, I'm not counting down the days until I can run fast again. I'm actually enjoying this break. My short runs and swims are enough to make the athlete in me happy right now. And instead of doubting and fearing I'll never get back in racing shape, I'm excited by the challenge. I know I'll find my racing legs again. When I'm ready :)

2. Sometimes I forget I'm pregnant. This new body sometimes feels normal to me. Never mind that I'm starting to waddle and that I weigh a good 20 lbs. more than my happy weight. I don't always feel huge.

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On almost every run, there's a few minutes when I feel like I'm flying. My pace drops to around 8:00 min/mile but then a hill appears and I quickly remember I'm running for two.

Other times, I'll think I look small. If I'm seated and wearing a baggy shirt, I'll swear I don't look pregnant. Then some stranger will congratulate me and I'll realize my belly is anything but invisible.

3. I don't like being pregnant. This one was the hardest to admit. I cried nearly every night for months because I couldn't get pregnant. I prayed constantly to finally be pregnant with a healthy baby. Yet, here I am; my wish was granted and I'm whining about it.

I don't mind the weight gain. I don't miss the high mileage. I can handle the migraines and other physical discomforts since I know they're temporary. It's the uncertainty of not knowing whether or not my baby is OK that I can't stand.

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I don't trust my body. In the past 4 weeks, I've gone from measuring 3 weeks ahead to one week behind. I don't feel baby move that much, and my midwife's scale says I've lost 3 lbs. My midwife doesn't seem worried, but I cannot help myself.

One of my favorite pregnancy + running bloggers, Kristen, has much more positive feelings about pregnancy. She's enjoyed her pregnancy because this is the only time she can protect her baby 24 hours a day. I loved her way of thinking. And I truly wish I felt the same way. But all I've ever wanted is to give birth to a healthy baby, and I fear my body will fail me.

Prove me wrong, body. Pretty please :)

Comments (15) Trackbacks (0)
  1. Give your body a little credit- you’re doing a fabulous job and taking every precaution to protect that sweet baby! :) Every time I get super stressed, all I can think about was my baby bathing is stress hormones and it is motivation enough for me to take a deep breath and calm down. Silly, but it helps me :)

  2. i also think you’re doing an absolutely amazing job! i definitely wouldn’t worry unless the midwife says to worry — and if she is, you’ll get extra ultrasounds which i know will be reassuring. that said, i understand the paranoia. 100%. and my feelings about pregnancy? i don’t like it either BUT (like i am sure you feel the same way) i know it’s SOOOO worth it!

  3. I hate that you feel that way. I think feeling like you are protecting baby 24 hours a day is a great way to look at things. I hate how bad experiences leave us frantic sometimes, and it doesnt seem to bother others around us. (obviously just generally speaking since I don’t know what its like to be pregnant!) Hoping you will gain some confidence in your body’s abilities soon! hugs!

  4. Thanks for the shout out Jen! I love your blog too, and I have enjoyed your journey more than anyone else’s because of what you have gone through in the past. I remember going off the pill and when I wasn’t pregnant the first month, complaining about it because I wanted to be pregnant so bad. I have never had to go through what you have gone through and you are always a constant reminder to me to count my blessings. I am so thankful + blessed to have had the pregnancy I have had. So, I try to look at it as a blessing every day.

    However, there are times when I doubt my body too. I remember being 11 weeks and bawling on the couch because I just knew this was too good to be true. I didn’t trust my body could keep my pregnancy, but when we went to our 12 weeks appointment and heard my baby’s heartbeat for the first time (after she couldn’t find it right away), I knew I had to change my way of thinking. I still have negative thoughts creep in because I am still so in disbelief that I will be having a baby in 4 (!) weeks. It’s still too good to be true but I am trying to enjoy it every second I can because I love this little girl more than anything.

    You have no idea how inspiring you are to me. I hope you know that you are an amazing person and you deserve this baby more than anyone I know. Your little boy is so lucky to have such a wonderful, caring mom! Keep your head up + smile!

  5. You are a superstar, and so, so brave! As somebody who also has dealt with infertility, and who is currently 40 weeks preggers (due tomorrow!), I can certainly sympathize wirh your fears. Just try to be as positive as you can! I remember reading somewhere that 90% of the things we worry about are outside of our control anyway. Not that it makes us feel better to hear that, but it seems like you are doing a great job taking care of yourself & baby, and are on top of your prenatal care. If there is one thing I have learned in the past 40 weeks, it is that real pregnancies rarely follow a straight path. Up 3 lbs one week, down 2 lbs another. I’m sure labor & delivery won’t be any more predictable!
    Anyway, good luck and stay positive!

  6. honest post, jen. i’m following several bloggers and their pregnancies right now and it’s fascinating to to see the differences between all of you.

    i am so amazed by your ability to keep running and feel so good. very inspirational!

  7. Great post. I feel the same way as you- I love Kristen’s perspective, but I haven’t been able to find it for myself no matter how hard I try. I’m starting to realise (at 15w4d) that I am going to feel like this the whole way through, but I’m working on being happier, and just assuming that I’ll get a healthy bundle of joy in February!

    I am sure everything is OK with your strong boy- every baby and every pregnancy is different. I hope you get some reassuring news at your next midwife appointment.

  8. I’m 13 weeks now with my second and having a hard time finding any good blogs written by fellow pregnant ladies (apart from yours:)) Could you share some of the ones you enjoy reading maybe?

  9. I love how honest you are. I think you’re doing a great job and are already being a FABULOUS mom to your son.

  10. Such a good post. I hope saying it out loud has given you a small bit of piece of mind. I felt very much like you did during my first pregnancy. I had several friends miscarry, and I started to feel so guilty about my pregnancy. Fortunately I’ve been able to embrace this pregnancy whole heartedly.

    (a girl in my yoga classes is 38 weeks and measuring 32 weeks. She has a very healthy 6lb baby in her belly right now and doctors expected her delivery in two weeks.)

  11. I love that saying about being pregnant is the only way to protect your baby 24 hours a day. It is so cute…and true!

  12. Worry…a part of motherhood that NEVER goes away. Wish I could tell ya differently. ;)

    Be sure you voice any concerns you may have, but also trust that the midwives and doctors will take care of you and that wee one.

  13. The thing I have always loved the most about your blog through this entire journey is your honesty. I love how real you are about what you’re feeling, and what you’ve gone through. So I’m happy that you admitted these things, but I’m also hoping that writing it down will help you change the way you’re thinking. Your body created this life, and now it’s time to trust that it will take care of him. I know there will always be that fear, but hopefully your midwife/doctor are looking out for you and taking good care of you. And I love that perspective – that this is the only time you can protect him 24 hours a day. As a Mom, you’ll always worry. At least now you can keep him safe all the time.

    On an unrelated note, I’ve passed your blog along to my sister because her and her husband are going to be trying this winter…I know getting pregnant will be a similar struggle for her. But I told her about how amazing your blog is and about your miracle, so hopefully she’ll take comfort in all your posts.

  14. I love your pregnancy posts – what are your favorite pregnancy blogs to read?


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