Pregnancy is weird. If you read any other pregnancy blogs (which you should), you'll also see that every pregnancy is so unique. In my experience, gestating a tiny human has been quite different than I expected.
It's also made me have some feelings I totally didn't see coming…
These are my (pregnancy) confessions:
1. I don't miss distance running. Gasp! I haven't trained for a race in close to 9 months. This may be my longest hiatus from not "seriously" competing since… middle school? I thought life without my Saturday long runs, Wednesday tempo runs, and spanking new Brooks Adrenalines every 3 months would leave me me feeling empty, worthless, and jealous of my triathlon-training husband. But I'm not. I assumed I'd have my 2012 training and racing schedule all lined up by now. Yet I don't.
While I'm definitely eyeing races next year, I'm not counting down the days until I can run fast again. I'm actually enjoying this break. My short runs and swims are enough to make the athlete in me happy right now. And instead of doubting and fearing I'll never get back in racing shape, I'm excited by the challenge. I know I'll find my racing legs again. When I'm ready
2. Sometimes I forget I'm pregnant. This new body sometimes feels normal to me. Never mind that I'm starting to waddle and that I weigh a good 20 lbs. more than my happy weight. I don't always feel huge.
On almost every run, there's a few minutes when I feel like I'm flying. My pace drops to around 8:00 min/mile but then a hill appears and I quickly remember I'm running for two.
Other times, I'll think I look small. If I'm seated and wearing a baggy shirt, I'll swear I don't look pregnant. Then some stranger will congratulate me and I'll realize my belly is anything but invisible.
3. I don't like being pregnant. This one was the hardest to admit. I cried nearly every night for months because I couldn't get pregnant. I prayed constantly to finally be pregnant with a healthy baby. Yet, here I am; my wish was granted and I'm whining about it.
I don't mind the weight gain. I don't miss the high mileage. I can handle the migraines and other physical discomforts since I know they're temporary. It's the uncertainty of not knowing whether or not my baby is OK that I can't stand.
I don't trust my body. In the past 4 weeks, I've gone from measuring 3 weeks ahead to one week behind. I don't feel baby move that much, and my midwife's scale says I've lost 3 lbs. My midwife doesn't seem worried, but I cannot help myself.
One of my favorite pregnancy + running bloggers, Kristen, has much more positive feelings about pregnancy. She's enjoyed her pregnancy because this is the only time she can protect her baby 24 hours a day. I loved her way of thinking. And I truly wish I felt the same way. But all I've ever wanted is to give birth to a healthy baby, and I fear my body will fail me.
Prove me wrong, body. Pretty please