Baby steps
The hardest part of pregnancy for me hasn't been dealing with my changing body or worrying I won't be a good mom. My biggest struggle is the pregnancy anxiety.
Even though I'm in my second trimester, I still have a hard time believing this is real.
At times, I don't know where to turn. It's like I'm walking this weird line between infertility and pregnancy (which I realize is ridiculous since I am pregnant). Other pregnant women are happily eyeing baby clothes and furniture, and making plans for when the baby arrives.
I shy away from all that. I avoid baby stores and delete baby-related emails as soon as they hit my inbox. I feel like I'm living in a world I don't really belong in and any misstep could take it all away.
These past two weeks have been much better. Sharing my pregnancy journey with you all and connecting with other pregnant women has helped immensely. Yet at the same time, I know that by sharing my pregnancy updates, I'm hurting others.
I'm trying to achieve this odd balance of being happy about my pregnancy without being over-the-top. Though I'm not sure that's possible.
I've toyed with the idea of toning down my pregnancy posts, but that wouldn't be fair to me. I need to be excited in order to adequately prepare for the baby. Being open about my feelings and experiences is helping me get there. I know this upsets people, and I am truly sorry 
This past weekend, I made huge progress: I purchased my first two pregnancy items.
They're both so wonderful that I'm kicking myself for waiting so long. I even managed to walk into Buy Buy Baby without having a full-fledged panic attack. Baby steps friends 
The first buy was one I debated getting for weeks:
A fetal doppler.
This nifty gadget lets you hear the baby's heartbeat whenever you want. It's great for nervous moms-to-be who can't wait the weeks between doctor checkups to hear the "thud thud thud" of baby.
See the furry angel?
BUT, it can also be a bad thing. It's not always easy to find baby's heartbeat depending on the position he or she is in. Not finding the heartbeat can lead to extra anxiety and unnecessary doctor appointments.
My hubby and I listen to the heartbeat every night and love it. It makes us both feel so connected to the baby.
I highly recommend one!
The second purchase was something else I went back and forth on:
A Snoogle pregnancy pillow.
I'm a stomach sleeper, so I've been trying to teach myself how to sleep on my side. Every night without fail, I'd wake up on my stomach or back which are both unsafe positions during pregnancy. I tried sleeping with pillows between my legs but that lead to back pain, a lot of tossing and turning, and an unhappy husband.
Snoogle snatcher.
I won't say the Snoogle has completely eased my restless nights, but I am more comfortable and sleep on my side until morning. A win in my book.
So versatile!
I'd suggest one if you're also a stomach or back sleeper and cannot get comfy on your side. If you're already a side sleeper, you're probably good to go without a Snoogle.
I think maternity clothes shopping will need to happen soon, too. I don't have a huge belly yet, but the clothes I have left that fit are getting quite snug…
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June 17th, 2011 - 07:12
I find it absolutely completely normal for you to be having torn feelings about pregnancy right now. You’ve waited for so long that it is totally surreal! I love the fetal heartbeat monitor – I didn’ tknow you could buy those!
June 17th, 2011 - 07:24
Um- I’m a side sleeper, I’m not pregnant, but I kind of want a Snoogle. I’m having a lot of restless nights and that looks divine!
June 17th, 2011 - 07:26
I want to go with you when you shop for maternity clothes! I obviously don’t need them, but it would be fun to help you look!
June 17th, 2011 - 07:37
The biggest fan of my snoogle pillow was the dog. She’s sneak up in bed every morning after I got up and snuggle up in it.
Maternity clothes = Target’s Liz Lange line. Super cute and not expensive. Don’t buy too much because if you’re like me, you’ll need smalls, then mediums, and then larges for shirts
June 17th, 2011 - 07:56
I’m sorry you are letting yourself feel so bad that you are pregnant while others aren’t. I think everyone who knows you or reads your blog, no matter what part of their journey they are on, would not want you to hold back what you share or your happiness because of what others might be going through. You deserve to be happy and as open about things as you want to be
June 17th, 2011 - 08:13
Love that doppler thing! Very cool!
June 17th, 2011 - 08:20
I want one of those pillows and I’m not pregnant! Looks super comfortable.
June 17th, 2011 - 08:26
I keep seeing those pillows and they look crazy comfy!
Totally understand how you are feeling, after learning i have pcos i have made great friends who all struggle with different levels of infertility and there is the yearning to be pregnant and yet guilt when you are
Congrats on the new purchase and go buy some cute maternity clothes
June 17th, 2011 - 08:34
Oh the snoogle! My favorite!! Even though my hubby hates it
I was fortunate not to struggle with infertility, but I still didn’t feel like it was real forever and had major anxiety. That’s why I didn’t even share the news until 15 weeks- I was scared. But I began to feel a million times better once I felt the baby kick, and I’ll bet you will too. Not too much longer!
June 17th, 2011 - 08:36
I have a pillow like that and I LOVE it. I was a back sleeper, so it was hard for me to start sleeping on my side. I will sometimes use it to prop up my back so I’m sleeping on my side/back, tilted.
June 17th, 2011 - 08:55
I am so beyond excited for you! I hope that you can really let yourself enjoy it all and not worry so much (much easier said than done, I know). I know it is hard, but you deserve to feel overwhelmed with joy- it is an amazing thing that you and your husband have done- cherish the miracle =)
When it comes down to it, it is your blog and while I am sure you have a lot of readers that also struggle with infertility, look at it this way- your blog can give them HOPE that they too CAN get pregnant!
On a lighter note- that pillow is awesome! It can be tough to change your usual sleeping position, so anything that can make the transition more comfortable is great.
SMILE =)
June 17th, 2011 - 10:20
I think because you’re such a kind, compassionate person it’s hard for you to feel like you’re hurting some of your readers with these posts, but I think you need to remember that this blog, at the end of the day, is for YOU and you 100% deserve to show exactly how excited and happy you are to be pregnant! Remember that people can always click away or not read something that they don’t want to be reading.
That gadget looks so cool, and that pillow always makes me think of the JLo movie – can’t remember what it’s called, but there was a funny scene about it. Hopefully with time you’ll get used to sleeping on your side, but I’m sure it’s a tough adjustment when you know you’re most comfortable on your stomach.
June 18th, 2011 - 08:25
I agree with what Corey said. You deserve to be happy and excited.
June 17th, 2011 - 10:42
I can really identify with pregnancy anxiety. I am having some very mild cramps right now, and I’m already thinking — oh, goodness. Maybe that race last night was a BAD idea. And why hadn’t I felt terribly pregnant this week? Etc., etc. It just keeps going. But I think it’s normal. Which doesn’t make it any easier, of course. But I’m happy to hear you’re starting to break through and really enjoy it. I’m getting there, too.
We’re well on our way!!!
I also have a Snoogle, and I’ve just started to use mine this week. Still trying to figure out my favorite position.
June 17th, 2011 - 10:50
a) I am not pregnant. b) I LOVE your pregnancy updates! c) I want a Snoogle pillow – looks incredibly comfy! d) Going into Bye Bye Baby (I’ve only been once to purchase a gift) is enough to give anyone anxiety… who knew there were so many baby products out there?!
June 17th, 2011 - 11:04
Oh my goodness – I’ve never seen one of those pillows before, it looks amazing! And what a cute name as well. It makes me feel sleepy just thinking about how comfy it would be to curl up with it – I want one even though I’m not pregnant!
June 17th, 2011 - 11:10
I love my Snoogle! Though I still wake up on my back a LOT, it does make it easier to get comfy on my side….
I say post/talk about whatever you want to talk about. It’s YOUR pregnancy and YOUR baby, you have every right to either shout it from the rooftops or keep quiet about. But I hope you never ook back on it and regret not being proud of your growing belly, it’s such a miracle.
June 17th, 2011 - 11:11
I completely understand your anxiety! I got a doppler w/my 2nd pregnancy and it was SUCH a lifesaver. I found my daughter’s heartbeat at 8.5 weeks — so fantastic!!
Being pregnant when you’ve gone through infertility IS like having survivors guilt. It’s great that you are being sensitive about the topic – but don’t let it take the joy away from you. You’ve earned this too!!
June 17th, 2011 - 11:18
LOLOLOL! Love the picture of Jeff with your pillow. Isaac and I were registering and he wanted me to get one of those pillows so he can sleep with it. Ridiculous
June 17th, 2011 - 12:06
I’m a back sleeper and totally dreaded having to sleep on my side all night. I just got a body pillow, though. Since we already have a zillion pillows on the bed, I utilized those: two under my head, one under the belly as I lay on my left side, body pillow between my legs, and another pillow behind my back. Comfort city! LOL.
I didn’t get a doppler, but completely understand the need to hear the heartbeat. Once you can feel the baby kick and you really know there is something in there, it will be all good.
Target has really expanded their maternity line! They have a lot of cute stuff now. Motherhood Maternity is a good place too…you can get sale stuff for 19.99. My favorite place was Old Navy, though. Cheap and cute! My mom made me maternity clothes, too.
Oh, also, when your bump gets bigger, consider the prenatal cradle mini cradle for when you are running (wogging). That extra belly support is a godsend! ALSO, I wish the running compression sock craze had happened 2 years ago. My legs swelled like mad, and if I had had cute compression socks to wear, I would have been so much more comfortable! I know you don’t do the skirts, but the maternity skirt from runningskirts.com is really fabulous. Also consider maternityactivewear.com. They have a much larger selection these days!
June 17th, 2011 - 17:37
I just learned of your blog a while ago after you announced your pregnancy. Congratulations!
I’m enjoying reading through your posts and I thank you for your candid and open expression about your infertility battle. You are very educational!
Good luck, I will continue to read, got you in my feed reader now!
June 17th, 2011 - 17:40
I would be worried too if I had to deal with sooooo many issues to get preggo, butttttt I am soo happy for you to enjoy being pregnant!
Snoogle snatcher, Bahahahahah!
June 18th, 2011 - 21:43
Oh Jen, I know how thoughtful of a person you are but this blog is for YOU! I know others out there are still going through infirtility, and if they find they’re hurting by reading your words, they’ll click away. You should totally feel okay about writing what you want without holding back!
Oh, and that snoogle pillow thing?! I totally want one!!!!!! I am such a stomach sleeper, but i absolutely love the feeling of being surrounded by pillows. I bet i’d never drag myself outta bed if i had one! ha! And that doppler thing is the COOLEST!
June 19th, 2011 - 06:10
Whooo hooo Jen!!!!! I have been away for awhile, and can’t tell you how happy I am for you!!!
Because of who you are, I am not surprised you are having mixed emotions about posting your joy and happiness. However, please don’t cheat yourself out of the opportunity to fully share the ups, the downs, the joys, the fears, and the total experience of your pregnancy. And no matter how long you tried to get pregnant, and how many tears were shed and prayers were said in the process, please know that it is STILL perfectly acceptable, and indeed human, to complain about pregnancy symptoms. It is amazing what insight, tips, or just plain old comiseration and understanding you can obtain from other moms who have been through it themselves. You don’t want to miss out on that, or distort the telling of your pregnancy tale by editing out certain details.
Be true to yourself, and your own unique pregnancy story, and please don’t feel restrained or restricted from sharing every last piece of joy (or symptom complaint) with us!
June 20th, 2011 - 00:19
The fetal doppler is amazing — I didn’t know you could buy those! And I would totally like a snoogle
Looks like you made some lovely first purchases! 