The emotions I don’t want to feel
Let me count the ways infertility sucks. It sucks because it denies me of one of life's most basic joys and it sucks my bank account dry.
But it also sucks for unexpected reasons. For example, it's changing my personality. It's making me feel emotions that so aren't "me".
Now this could be because I'm so hopped up on hormones, but I don't really like using the drugs as my scapegoat. And that's only because I haven't gotten to the more advanced drugs yet. If my drastic personality twists are really due to the "light" hormones, I fear what the "heavy" stuff will do to me.
Insert random furball picture because I have no idea how to photograph feelings 
The joys of infertility have made me feel:
1. Angry. I'm not a very hostile person. When I get mad, it's usually fleeting and not serious (unless it's during football season, but I won't go there
).
But infertility has me mad at everything. I get mad at others who try to comfort me, but say something that actually hurts me. (Hint, don't tell the infertile person to "just relax" or "give it time". Isn't 19 months enough time?) I know my loved ones' intentions are good, and they just really don't know what to say to me, but comments like that infuriate me.
I'm mad at my doctor. I've noticed a few red flags this year. There were parts of my care that didn't make sense to me, and I couldn't get a clear explanation to my "why" questions. And now that my doctor is recommending birth control pills again, I feel like he doesn't see my fertility issues as urgently as I do. Thankfully, I'm seeing a new doctor at the end of the week, and hopefully I won't have any anger to direct towards her.
I'm angry at my body. Since kissing my teenage years good-bye, I've had a pretty good relationship with my body. I used to see myself as strong and healthy. But now that I know the truth about my PCOS, I see myself as broken. How can I look like an athlete on the outside, but have a completely busted reproductive system on the inside? I am furious with my body for doing this to me. Who would have thought it's possible to develop a negative body image due to a body flaw you can't see?
2. Guilty. Once I'm done being mad at my body, the next emotion I feel is guilt. I must have done something to cause this. I keep searching my past for answers: Was it my splenda habit during college and grad school? My "excessive" running? Too many x-rays? Was I on birth control pills too long? I think about ridiculous questions like these on a daily basis.
And since I'm the broken one, I feel incredibly guilty that my perfectly healthy, super-sperm harvester husband does not have children. If he married a normal woman, he would not have to deal with problems like these. The truth is my husband's childlessness is completely my fault.
3. Jealous. I'm a very competitive person, but only with myself. Sure, I'd sometimes get jealous of my brother for getting more of my parents' attention. But, I was never much more envious than that. When friends are smarter, faster, or more successful than me, I'm genuinely happy for them. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, so why would I waste my time on jealousy?
At least that's how I used to feel. But now I'm jealous of every pregnant woman- and even ovulating woman. Each time I hear a pregnancy announcement, I feel a pain in the pit of my stomach. I want to be happy for the mama-to-be, I really, really do. But when I hear of another person's fertility triumph, it reminds me that I'm a failure. My jealousy then quickly turns to anger at the pregnant woman, and then I feel incredibly guilty for thinking such a thing. Quite the emotional cycle. I need to remind myself daily that just become someone else is able to get pregnant, it doesn't lessen my chances of conceiving one bit.
These are emotions I am so not proud of. At least I know they're temporary. Hopefully, I'm closer to the finish line of my become-a-mommy journey. And then my personality will return to normal…
Until then, thank you friends and family for being so patient and understanding of my newfound personality challenges. I don't know what I'd do without you
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March 28th, 2011 - 20:52
Oh Jen, my heart is breaking for you. It is completely understandable for you to be having all those feelings right now, and I am so sorry you are going through it. I don’t know what else to say because I don’t want you to get mad at me.
Just joking, of course!
March 28th, 2011 - 21:00
Haha! It’s definitely more of an in-person thing! I’m lucky and have awesome, supportive readers so no one makes me mad
March 28th, 2011 - 20:55
Good for you for sharing this! Why? Because there are so many other women out there (like me) who are feeling the same way you are, even if we aren’t voicing it. I too have PCOS (or so they say, could also be endometriosis) which I would not have even known if it hadn’t been for changing doctors. My old doctor just thought it was bad timing or that I needed to take birth control again. So good for you for seeing someone new, I hope it helps! Last week, I had a minor freak out because literally in a 24 hour period I found out three more people were pregnant. I hate to be that way, but when it is something you really want, it’s hard to watch so many other people have it happen, effortlessly (or so it seems). Good luck to you on your journey, I will say some prayers for you
March 28th, 2011 - 21:02
This post makes me cry. I feel sad knowing you’re in so much pain and as a friend, not being able to do anything. I think you are brave for putting your honest thoughts and feelings out there. Hopefully it’s cathartic for you and I’m sure it helps others going through the same thing.
March 28th, 2011 - 21:07
just remember that everyone around you understands that it’s a painful situation. my sister-in-law had 4 miscarriages over 5 years before she had my niece. she went through all those same emotions that you listed and although family and friends may not know exactly what you are going through, they don’t begrudge you for one minute for having those feelings and being open about it!
March 28th, 2011 - 21:34
I love and admire the honesty of this post. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, but I’m also hopeful that this will end very happily for you!
March 28th, 2011 - 22:16
There’s nothing wrong with feeling “bad” feelings during bad and painful times- acknowledging them for what they are, and recognising that they’re not part of the usual YOU is a great way to manage them. But PLEASE PLEASE try not to feel guilty- none of your friends. family, husband blame you and you shouldn’t blame yourself. Hope you can find some happier feelings over the next few weeks!
March 28th, 2011 - 23:16
You have managed to capture so much in this post – so much that I can relate to. Thankyou so much for your honesty – and putting into words what I have been feeling for so long!
March 28th, 2011 - 23:50
I missed you a lot in DC, because I knew how much you wanted to run! Gahhh freaking lady parts, I don’t get them at all.
March 29th, 2011 - 02:50
Amen.
The anger, guilt, hurt, anger guilt, hurt cycle is horrible. Made worse by sprinklings of jealousy. I cried so much last night, Mark tried his best to comfort me. In the midst of the tears and snot I said how much I hated the fact that I felt like I was losing a part of me, becoming someone I didn’t recognise. Someone who swings from inconsolible tears to rage, how the rage scares me as I’m not normally an angry person. I know that doesn’t help you, and I don’t mean to make it about me. But I hope you know that you are not alone.
I’ve put myself into ‘therapy’, I feel like a failure for that too because I’ve always been someone whos been able to hold their shit together. I hope it helps…might be worth trying as I know you were considering it before.
Amy x
March 29th, 2011 - 06:22
I am having all those feelings and it sucks! I have always been a positive, happy person. Now I’m bitter, mean, and angry….
March 29th, 2011 - 06:50
All of those feelings are totally understandable, and I can only imagine what it feels like to be experiencing all of those emotions that make you not feel like yourself. You deserve to be happy, Jen, and I will keep praying this works out for you!
March 29th, 2011 - 06:54
Ugh, infertility. I found your blog just yesterday and am so glad. My own fertility journey is different – for me, the problem isn’t so much getting pregnant as it is STAYING pregnant.
But needless to say I have experienced every one of those feelings, and to be honest I feel them all on a daily basis. (I too can’t stand the sight of a pregnant woman, even if she’s a good friend. One time I was surrounded by them in the locker room at the gym, and one of them was chattering on happily about her due date, which was supposed to be MY first due date. It was horrific.)
Jen, you did not cause your infertility. The fact of the matter is that we live in an imperfect world. It is NOT your fault. Hang in there and keep being honest with yourself. It will get better.
March 29th, 2011 - 07:04
Oh Jen – you are so brave for voicing so honestly the feelings that you are having. as you said it is an emotional circle where one feeling feeds the other and so on. I have had 4 friends in the past 8 months announce their pregnancy and each time I have had to bite back the knot in my stomach, smile and congratulate them – while secretly wanting to scream, shout, cry and more.
I know that nothing I say will make anything feel better but I do hope that you have a positive meeting with your new doctor where you have positive input into the decisions that are made regarding treatment. I have every faith that things will improve for you this year – sooner rather than later. best wishes.
March 29th, 2011 - 08:28
i love you.
March 29th, 2011 - 09:15
Your honesty I can only imagine helps so many people each and every day, of course that’s no comfort, but if i was going through the same thing (i am not married yet/haven’t begun trying so who knows where my path will take me) that this wouldn’t be so helpful to read. Plus you’re awesome
XOXO
March 29th, 2011 - 09:19
March 29th, 2011 - 12:43
Thank you for sharing this. It’s so sad to know that there are so many women who feel this way, but it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one.
March 29th, 2011 - 16:34
March 30th, 2011 - 06:00
I have never experienced the roller coaster that you’re on, so I can only imagine the gamut of emotions that runs through your body and mind and each day. You are strong and brave for recognizing your feelings and being honest about them. My heart breaks knowing that you are feeling angry, sad, and guilty because of this. Just know that I am sending my most positive thoughts your way.
March 30th, 2011 - 10:23
You’re so brave for sharing this with us. We’re all sticking with you through this and praying for you guys!
March 30th, 2011 - 22:07
Hey Jen- I’ve been reading and catching up, and am so impressed with all you’ve weathered with such grace and bravery. Thank you for all the honesty to lay it all out there. I think every feeling you have is understandable and no one would fault you for having so many hard emotions. I’m wishing and hoping for a good turn of events in your life, and that this new doctor you’re visiting is a great one.
Georgie
April 1st, 2011 - 07:24
I’m so sorry that you are going though this….your honesty in this post is so brave! I’m sending positive thoughts your way!
April 1st, 2011 - 13:41
yes, yes, yes, yes – i understand 100% (except replace 19 months with 26. awesome!).
one consolation is i’ve heard of plenty of people who have more mood issues with clomid than anything else – so i don’t think it’s necessarily so ‘light’ on the side-effect spectrum. other things might actually be easier!
this WILL happen – for both of us! but for now, just know i understand COMPLETELY.
April 4th, 2011 - 14:34
This blog Q&A session came up on my facebook today, thought of you and maybe you would be interested!
i just started reading your blog after you were mentioned in another one from the national half marathon
http://blog.zobha.com/index.php/yoga-tips-2/yoga-for-fertility-and-pregnancy/
April 4th, 2011 - 19:12
Great! Thank you so much
April 4th, 2011 - 19:43
I’ve been reading for some time and just want to give you huge hugs every time you post. I won’t get into my story since it’s still on-going and there’s no definite answer yet, but I can definitely relate to feeling angry with your doctor (and mine, and my boyfriends too).
You’re so amazing to put exactly how you feel out there, because I’m sure there are many women going through similar things that wonder if they’re alone in how they feel. I’ll be reading to keep up with how things are going for you!
June 3rd, 2011 - 11:10
I can identify with everything you’ve said here. Because no one I know is going through infertility, it is so easy to think I am the only one with these thoughts/emotions… Thanks for sharing.
June 23rd, 2011 - 09:50
I just found your blog from Run Like a Mother. I can completely relate to the feelings you described in this post. We already had two boys when we experienced secondary infertility due to PCOS issues. The things that people would say would make me so mad! Three years of fertility treatments, two doctors and a miscarriage later we have a 22-month old boy who is an absolute joy! It was all worth it…
October 4th, 2011 - 22:35
Jen,
I know you’re no longer going through this, but I so appreciate your posts. My mother-in-law, the Concrete Runner’s mom, recommended your blog to me. It is encouraging to read your posts because I know you are now pregnant. There is hope! Blessings on your last few months of pregnancy.