This Runner's Trials

Accepting the new normal

Sometimes when things really suck in our lives, the easiest thing to do is hide. And hope that a change in routine will also bring about a change in outlook.

I've been experiencing a bad case of the "feeling sorry for myselfs" lately. Trying to beat infertility is so hard. It consumes your life and changes you. It robs you of your daily pleasures and makes you fear your future. I completely understand why I threw in the towel to my fertility battle last year.

I found out early last week I may have ovulated this month. But, my progesterone levels are way too low to safely carry a baby. So, even if by the small percent chance I'm pregnant now, I'll likely miscarry.

I started taking ridiculously expensive progesterone injections in case I am pregnant. This awesome drug makes me vomit and gives me the worst headache I've ever had. It also raises my heart rate a ton. Running more than one slow mile without taking a walk break is no longer possible for me. Suffering from telltale pregnancy symptoms when I'm not pregnant is just beyond cruel.

I'm bitter and jealous. For the past week, I've shielded myself from pregnant women and from people who can still run. I won't allow myself to Google "low progesterone" because I cannot yet handle learning about yet another fertility hurdle I have.

So I've been hiding. I've been getting a lot of work done, reading plenty of fiction books, and prepping for our upcoming vacation. And it did make me feel a bit better for awhile.

But you can only hide for so long. I miss connecting with my friends… even the pregnant ones. I miss blogging and interacting with you guys ;) I am slowing making peace with this new normal of uncertainty, and am starting to feel like me again.

I really hate to be so negative on my blog, but I cannot sugar-coat infertility.

Thank you guys so much for being there for me. You have no idea how much the support and prayers mean to me :)

Comments (35) Trackbacks (1)
  1. Jen, so many prayers and good thoughts for you right now. You will beat this battle. I promise. I thought I never would either, and it took almost two years, but I did beat it.

  2. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this Jen – it must be so hard. I’m keeping you in my prayers!

  3. i am glad you’re sharing your story but sorry you are experiencing it all. you have a poignant way of writing about it and sharing your story.

  4. Hugs and prayers are with you both- take care (and thank you for sharing)

  5. Ugh. I know this sucks and hurts beyond what words can say. Hoping and praying for you and your future family!

  6. Love you!!!
    Sorry I was MIA all weekend. I thought of you several times. Been dealing withsome crazy issues down here too and haven’t even had time to think.
    You are so strong and I know you will get through this! You know I am praying for you and am here for you.

  7. Even if it is negative, it helps to share! Hoping only the best for you!

  8. Heya girlie—sorry to hear about this hurdle and the cruddy side effects. Please take care of yourself and know that you’re strong and fab and we’re very happy to hear from you —sugarcoated or not.

  9. Don’t apologize for being honest and sharing your story. You are an amazing person and super strong for being so open. I am sure many women are going to come across this post and realize they are not alone.

    Keep your head up :)

  10. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and have you in my thoughts. I appreciate your honestly and ability to share your story. I hope it helps you work through the daily struggles, as it is also helping so many readers who may have experienced the same thing. You have a fighting spirit that I admire.

  11. I love your honesty and admire your bravery. I wish I could give you a hug.

  12. Jen, I really don’t have any words of advice because I am not in the same stage of life as you are, but I wanted to offer some words of comfort. For your future child, you must be strong in this time. Do not hide, but embrace life and keep on trying (which you obviously are). I will be praying for you to have courage during this time and that God blesses your family.

  13. Jen, I have been praying for you since I started reading your blog a few weeks ago. I understand completely what you are going through. We have been through 3 1/2 years of fertility testing to finally figure out what is going on with me. Each day is a struggle, especially when everyone around you have children or is pregnant. Stay strong and come back to running; it’s the one thing that we can control. I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

  14. I am glad you are being honest and sharing your story. So many people sugar coat the hards things in life but it’s very brave of you to share. Stay strong and my prayers are with you :)

  15. I don’t think your words are negative at all. I am amazed at your ability to talk about your true feelings and the struggles you face. Thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way!

  16. Hi- I follow your blog and have commented once, maybe, but want to let you know I am praying for you, too. I don’t have experience with infertility so no advice to share, but prayers for you!! I appreciate you sharing your story because I know it will help and support others going through it!

  17. I’m here for you Jen! I think there are definitely people out there who appreciate your honesty about what you’re going through right now. Hang in there and lean on your friends when you need to – that’s what they’re there for :)

  18. Hey Jen- I’m thinking about you! You should really reach out to my friend Adrienne- she commented on your blog above. She’s been through it all and now she has a bundle of joy and she’s training for Boston. But I’m sure she can tell you all about what she went through. Hang in there- I’m here for you! xo

  19. Thanks for opening up with your readers, I know it must be hard. I’ve definitely been missing your blog posts the last week so I’m happy you are back. We’re all cheering for you Jen.

  20. I’m glad that you have this blog to vent your emotions. I’m also so sorry that you have to experience this, I know that it is so difficult to go through. I’m thinking of you and I know that you are thankful to have your husband by your side.

  21. My heart just breaks reading this. Sending positive thoughts your way – you WILL get through this!

  22. Jen, it’s heartbreaking, I know. I’ve been trying to get pregnant for 3 years. I started fertility treatments late last year, and then lost my job in Nov., ending my health insurance, expensive fertility treatments and what seems like my only chance at getting pregnant. Today, I was at Target with my mom buying a baby gift for a dear friend’s daughter-in-law and just started bawling. I completely understand your pain, which I know at times is not even a comfort. sigh. But just wanted to let you know that you’re in my thoughts and that I’m sending many, many positive vibes your way :-)

    • :( I know exactly how you feel. I purposely navigate through Target to avoid that section. It sucks. Good luck to you!

  23. I am going through my own journey with infertility. Reading your blog reminds me that there are other gals like me. Even though I’ve never met you, I sorta feel like I know you and I appreciate the heart you put into your writing. Hang in there.

    • Ditto. I hate that so many people have to suffer through this, but it also helps to know you’re not alone. Good luck to you!

  24. I don’t want to say “I understand” because I haven’t been in this situation personally. However, my sister went through this same struggle for 5 years and my dear friend Jodi is now on her second or third try of in-vitro (sp?). I can only imagine how unpredictable and frustrating it is. Thinking of you and praying for success!!

  25. I’m glad to see you back and blogging Jen :) Please don’t ever worry about being negative on here. This is your place to share your story and I really appreciate your honesty. It seems like there are many others going through the same thing who also take comfort in it. You know that I’m thinking of you. You are such a strong woman and I know that you will find the strength to get through this. Hang in there.

  26. I have a friend going through this right now. You story gives me so much insight and knowledge to help me be the best friend I can be to her!

  27. I am so, so sorry for your struggles…but so glad that by sharing them, you’re inviting all women (and men!) to think about their bodies, their attitudes and hopefully, be more kind and thoughtful to people who are going through infertility.

    Your blog is YOURS. So write whatever you want, when you want and how you want. We’ll be here.

  28. I’m so sorry I missed this :(. Dammit, this DOES suck. And it’s totally OK to feel jealous and bitter and angry. I look at infertility sort of like the grieving process when a cycle goes bad: you need to mourn the loss of the cycle that could’ve been, get angry, and then maybe even become jealous before you’re able to be OK with it.

    I hope that your doc (ours docs) can get things figured out for you sooner than later. And I hate that the progesterone made you so sick. Are you on PIO?

    Thinking of you. xoxo

  29. I’m so sorry Jen. If you ever need to talk to someone or just get some things off your chest, please feel free to call me. I’ve never went through anything like this but someone close to me has and I can’t imagine how hard it is. I’m sending good thoughts your way.

  30. So sorry Jen. :(

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