This Runner's Trials

Accepting the new normal

Posted by runnerstrials

Sometimes when things really suck in our lives, the easiest thing to do is hide. And hope that a change in routine will also bring about a change in outlook.

I've been experiencing a bad case of the "feeling sorry for myselfs" lately. Trying to beat infertility is so hard. It consumes your life and changes you. It robs you of your daily pleasures and makes you fear your future. I completely understand why I threw in the towel to my fertility battle last year.

I found out early last week I may have ovulated this month. But, my progesterone levels are way too low to safely carry a baby. So, even if by the small percent chance I'm pregnant now, I'll likely miscarry.

I started taking ridiculously expensive progesterone injections in case I am pregnant. This awesome drug makes me vomit and gives me the worst headache I've ever had. It also raises my heart rate a ton. Running more than one slow mile without taking a walk break is no longer possible for me. Suffering from telltale pregnancy symptoms when I'm not pregnant is just beyond cruel.

I'm bitter and jealous. For the past week, I've shielded myself from pregnant women and from people who can still run. I won't allow myself to Google "low progesterone" because I cannot yet handle learning about yet another fertility hurdle I have.

So I've been hiding. I've been getting a lot of work done, reading plenty of fiction books, and prepping for our upcoming vacation. And it did make me feel a bit better for awhile.

But you can only hide for so long. I miss connecting with my friends… even the pregnant ones. I miss blogging and interacting with you guys ;) I am slowing making peace with this new normal of uncertainty, and am starting to feel like me again.

I really hate to be so negative on my blog, but I cannot sugar-coat infertility.

Thank you guys so much for being there for me. You have no idea how much the support and prayers mean to me :)