Sometimes when things really suck in our lives, the easiest thing to do is hide. And hope that a change in routine will also bring about a change in outlook.
I've been experiencing a bad case of the "feeling sorry for myselfs" lately. Trying to beat infertility is so hard. It consumes your life and changes you. It robs you of your daily pleasures and makes you fear your future. I completely understand why I threw in the towel to my fertility battle last year.
I found out early last week I may have ovulated this month. But, my progesterone levels are way too low to safely carry a baby. So, even if by the small percent chance I'm pregnant now, I'll likely miscarry.
I started taking ridiculously expensive progesterone injections in case I am pregnant. This awesome drug makes me vomit and gives me the worst headache I've ever had. It also raises my heart rate a ton. Running more than one slow mile without taking a walk break is no longer possible for me. Suffering from telltale pregnancy symptoms when I'm not pregnant is just beyond cruel.
I'm bitter and jealous. For the past week, I've shielded myself from pregnant women and from people who can still run. I won't allow myself to Google "low progesterone" because I cannot yet handle learning about yet another fertility hurdle I have.
So I've been hiding. I've been getting a lot of work done, reading plenty of fiction books, and prepping for our upcoming vacation. And it did make me feel a bit better for awhile.
But you can only hide for so long. I miss connecting with my friends… even the pregnant ones. I miss blogging and interacting with you guys I am slowing making peace with this new normal of uncertainty, and am starting to feel like me again.
I really hate to be so negative on my blog, but I cannot sugar-coat infertility.
Thank you guys so much for being there for me. You have no idea how much the support and prayers mean to me
I've been laying low this week. Since taking my shot, I've forced myself to relax. I've tried to avoid all things that mentally stress me out, and I've cut back on the physical stress I put on my body.
That equaled no running for 3 days after my trigger shot. Yikes!
*Note, I had no real reason for doing this. There's really not much evidence that stress causes infertility (source). But I thought taking it easy could only help my chances of ovulation.
I thought for sure I was going to lose it this week. Who ditches their primary coping mechanism at the peak of going through something difficult?
But I never lost it. I didn't cry once (record). I didn't eat a single cupcake (tragic). And I didn't miss running. And I was surprisingly in high spirits all week.
I'll be fair. I did yoga, swim, and walk the furball during my running hiatus, so it's not like I was sedentary. But being in a good mood despite not running? This was something new.
And there is only one logical reason for my state of mind:
Hello spring SO nice to see you!
We have been spoiled with amazing weather all week in the Carolinas. I hear my northern friends are having their fair share of spring-like temps so I don't feel too bad rubbing it in
My mood is greatly impacted by the weather. I've always suspected I've had some degree of SAD. If the weather was cold and rainy all week, I may have broken my "no running" rule, and I'm positive I would not have resisted cupcakes.
I'd like the thank Mother Nature for cooperating with me during the week. Keep up the good work, girl!
And while I didn't miss running, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't really looking forward to my (easy) run later today
Does the weather affect your mood? On yucky days are you more likely to turn to the couch, or get out there and do a hard workout? I definitely fall into the latter group!
There's no reason for me to be so nervous. I've raced so many times that I know what to expect. It's not like I'm ever in the running for some huge prize or ever in real danger. (I'm not talking about triathlons; I've felt like I was going to die during a triathlon.)
The nerves stem from the build-up to that moment and the immediate possibilities. All that training time, the thrill of race day, and the "will I be able to push through the pain and PR?" question.
Ah, pushing through the pain. As a runner, the thought of pain scares and excites me. It scares me because I don't like to hurt. But it excites me because I know if I work really hard and play mind games, I can overcome it.
This mentality towards pain goes beyond running. Anytime I have to do something that might be painful, I fear it but also know I'm strong enough to do it.
I bring this up now because I got good news on the fertility front
One follicle on my right ovary actually responded to my meds and grew to a decent size. My blood work confirmed that I was nearing ovulation. To give my body a push, my doctor told me to give myself a trigger shot last night.
One problem, I'm so scared of shots (this coming from the girl who's gotten 4 tattoos. I make no sense.)
I completely freaked out and had to wait for my husband to get home to give it to me. I thought I was going to puncture some organ, have a horrible reaction, or pass out from fear.
Well, I was a big baby for no reason. I didn't even feel the stupid thing. The injection site stung for an hour after, but it was such a big let down.
Someone was concerned about me.
I'll find out in a week if I actually ovulated. I'm so hopeful. This may be the first time I ovulate ever.
Does running affect how you think about pain? I think endurance athletes are tough cookies, despite how I acted last night